Karisma joined Barrier Free Living (BFL) as a communication department intern this winter. In addition to sharing her writing and social media skills, she also brings her unique talents as a belly dance instructor and doula. The multi-talented Karisma discusses her interest in being a doula as it relates to her overall life plan.

My work as a pre-medical student at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, planted the seed for my interest in childbirth. My interest in childbirth led me to create my own major called Dance Applications in Maternal Health and train to become a doula in 2018.

A doula is an emotional and physical support person that attends the delivery and supports an individual through the prenatal, childbirth, and immediate postpartum period. Specifically, doulas physically support individuals during childbirth by performing comfort measures such as double hip squeezes, massage, and activating pressure points during labor.

In the early postpartum period, doulas can help with things like breastfeeding and getting the hang of certain tasks such as diapering a baby. Doulas emotionally support pregnant individuals by also helping advocate for a pregnant individual’s decision in the birthing room and helping them feel empowered in their choices.

As a doula I primarily take on volunteer cases for individuals lacking a social support system, including domestic violence survivors and I take pride in providing trauma-informed doula care to these individuals.

In 2020, I decided to find volunteer work where I could put my experiences as a doula and belly dance teacher to work.

Karisma featured in a BFL promo for her Belly Dancing class. 

I found Barrier Free Living and discovered that some residents at the agency’s Freedom House domestic violence shelter have entered the shelter when pregnant and gave birth during their stay. I saw a great fit between my own life experience and goals, and the work Barrier Free Living is doing. I am able to use my knowledge and skills as a doula and as a belly dance instructor through writing and virtual teaching at BFL.

I have heard many other doulas compare childbirth to running a marathon. I love this analogy, because most people wouldn’t dare to attempt running a marathon without any mental preparation, physical training, and a general plan for game day.

A doula is someone who understands the birth space well, and can help guide, empower, and help a patient feel in control during this overwhelming time period. I recall guiding a patient through the halls of a hospital! We had practiced pelvic exercises, which she performed as a way to cope with and progress labor.

I think having a doula can be particularly helpful for survivors of domestic violence with disabilities because this high-risk population are dealing with both the general birth-related stressors and an added layer of other life stressors. Therefore, having the emotional and physical support that a birth doula provides in the prenatal, childbirth, and immediate postpartum period would likely be instrumental in helping facilitate a positive childbirth experience.

I am developing a workshop for BFL that focuses on the potential benefits of volunteer doula services as well as steps women can take to find volunteer and for-pay doula services based on what they can afford. I will also further explain the kinds of  services doulas can provide.

When Slick Chicks founder Helya Mohammadian learned about Barrier Free Living’s work with survivors of domestic violence with disabilities, she knew it was a mission-match.

Helya wanted to connect to and support a non-profit by donating her product – patented underwear “designed with side fasteners that make it easy for someone to put on or take off whether they are sitting, standing, or laying down.”

“We learned about BFL from (former team member) Jessica Flores, who connected us with Cynthia Amodeo,” says Helya.  “We were really excited to support BFL because we felt as though our missions aligned. We are a purpose-driven business working toward something greater than profit, but bringing together our community and embracing inclusivity and diversity. And like BFL, our goal is to make an impact on the quality of life for individuals with disabilities. Inclusion is at the heart and soul of what we do and BFL embodies that. We are so grateful to be working with you and the entire BFL team!”

This month, Slick Chicks toured BFL’s Freedom House domestic violence shelter and dropped a huge donation of product. (photo below). The donation is the first step in an ongoing collaboration.

What began as a close-knit effort to give a few dozen gift bags to survivors of domestic violence on Valentine’s Day has bloomed into a community-driven project delivering nearly 600 bags to 5 different shelters.

This year, Barrier Free Living is the latest recipient of beautiful, bountiful gifts (photo above) prepared by the Valentine Community Project, bringing joy to the residents and tenants at our domestic violence shelter and program. We caught up with program founder Emily Valentine Sottile to find out about the groups roots and growth.

BFL: What originally inspired the creation of the Valentine Community Project.

Emily: The Valentine Community Project is a community response – I never would have come up with the idea on my own. Nearly a decade ago the colleague of a friend was participating in a Valentine’s day effort to give 17 gift bags on Valentine’s day to residents of a shelter for domestic abuse and trafficking in Brooklyn. My friend knew this is something I care about and offered my help. I liked the idea of celebrating Valentine’s day by making people feel loved, more than going to a crowded restaurant. I have always thought of Valentine’s day as a community holiday, but I know a lot of people don’t like Valentine’s Day and I imagine being in a shelter because of intimate partner violence or trafficking would make this day especially hard. We make our communities stronger, safer places by loving our neighbors. This is a small way of showing that love.

BFL: How did you gather your supporters?

Emily: We thought other people might feel the same way so, I sent an email to a handful of friends and family and the response was incredible. Some people sent in money, the mother of a friend had a shop and sent in beautiful jewelry, another friend dug into her closet and sent “lady gifts” like stationary and beautiful gifts she wouldn’t miss, a teacher had her third graders make cards. It was truly a stone soup effort!

It felt so good to give that we decided to do it again the following year. In the third year we planned to make up 30 bags but the response was so abundant that we made 60! A big part of that growth was one woman I volunteer with eleswhere who had a lot of beautiful things to share. A guy I grew up with has a cousin who travels for work so he reached out to him and he sent us a big box of toiletries he collected. The following year the wife of a colleague who worked at a magazine sent boxes of cosmetics, some people sent in one thing, other people sent in lots.

That year we made up 300 gift bags, one for every adult resident at Safe Horizon’s 8 NYC facilities. Word just spread. A friend of a friend is a teacher whose students needed community service hours, so they worked on the Valentines and that lead to a space we could work in, a colleague owns a pilates studio and they put the word out to their clients, my cousin coaches hockey and got the JV & Varsity teams involved. 2021 is the 9th year and we were able to prepare 594 gift bags for residents at 5 shelter systems.

BFL: Can you share a special moment you have experienced since starting, something that stands out for you regarding the project and how it impacts people?

Emily: I am amazed and really touched by the diversity (age religious, socioeconomic, political, geographic) of the people involved in the project – people who might not think they had anything in common with one another come together to make this happen. People I have never met come together to generously give to people they will never meet! It really reminds me of the goodness of humanity. This project has taught me a lot about faith and community. There’s a core group of people who are involved every year but a lot changes. People who really helped make it happen passed away, change jobs, and experience other big life changes or, you know, a pandemic hits. Each year I think “How are we going to do it this year?” And then the answer emerges – it is always better than the one I would have imagined.

BFL Team member Irma picking up an abundance of gift bags for our programs. 

Dana thought that once she left her abusive ex-husband, she and her young son would be safe. Instead, her ex began calling her hundreds of times a day, driving by her house regularly, and showing up unexpectedly to threaten her and her son. She had to move twice, and both times her ex found her again.

Sadly, Dana’s experience isn’t unique — over 6 million men and women are stalked annually in the US, often in the context of domestic violence.

Read the story. 

Leaving a toxic 15-year relationship behind, Mels found safety and support at Barrier Free Living’s Freedom House domestic violence shelter. Now settled in a home of her own, she curates a successful blog #thehalpernproject whose mission is community empowerment. Big fans of Mels, we caught up with her to talk about her journey.

BFL: How did you find Barrier Free Living’s Freedom House domestic violence shelter and what brought you there?

Mels: When I left my abuser and a 15-year toxic relationship behind, I literally left with just the clothes on my back and went to an all women’s homeless shelter in the Bronx. That was probably the scariest 10 days of my life.

After I had a knife pulled on me a block from the shelter, which also happened to be the day before an order of protection hearing, I was really afraid my abuser knew where I was. So after a night in tears I found out the shelter had a NOVA unit there. And Barrier Free Living was on a resource list they gave me, after the did my intake.

The homeless shelter had a computer center inside. So I registered a brand new email my abuser didn’t know about and reached out to all the organizations on the list, Barrier Free Living was one of them.

Within the hour, not only was Barrier Free Living the first organization to respond, they were the ONLY one to respond, which honestly was a blessing in disguise. Abuse-related head trauma permanently destroyed 80% of my hearing, so apart from needing to be heard, I needed to hear everyone so I could get the help I needed to heal…get strong…and start over.

The fact that Freedom House’s staff helped survivors like me navigate around challenges like mine…without the fear or shame of being judged by them, lifted a huge barrier and it was the ideal situation for me.

BFL: How was your first week and month at Freedom House? How did the program help you? Did anything surprise you about the experience?

Mels: My first week at Freedom House was surreal. Not bad, but surreal in the sense that I had no idea something like this existed.

I was too afraid to leave at all for the first seven days. And didn’t have to. The day I arrived my social worker took me to my apartment where everything I needed was already there…brand new bedding, towels, kitchen utensils and a shopping cart full of food.

There was a lot of uncertainty for me at the time, but one thing I was positive about, I couldn’t have felt more “safe.”

In fact, I don’t think I ever felt as safe as I did in that moment…and what I mean by “safe” is emotionally and physically. One of the things that I remember the most, during my first seven days, was the first domestic violence support group I went to when I was there. I never went to one before then.

I remember the residents making the entire group about me. They let me cry and cry. They couldn’t even understand what I was saying, I was crying so hard. Then one of the survivors came over to hold my hand and did not let go as I continued to just cry some more. Before the group ended, she gave me her eight month old son to hold and that’s when I stopped crying that night.

My first month at Freedom House was about making a conscious effort to create better lifestyle habits that would help me heal & get stronger. I really didn’t even know what selfcare was or what it involved, before I lived at the shelter.

So before figuring out critical things like housing, the staff emphasized that the first part of my stay should really be about being gentle and nurturing myself. So for me, that meant going to domestic violence support groups, occupational therapy groups and anger management groups…and because my abuse situation was so isolating like most survivor’s experience, I also pushed myself to participate in special community activities that were always happening like sing-along coffee houses & self defense classes.

Plus, I had weekly sessions with my social worker, who made me see things in a way that literally changed my life forever and how I saw myself.

The things in my head that Freedom House helped me with, that stood out the most…weren’t so much things like helping me with housing (though they definitely did that)…but more the kind of stuff you can’t make physical…that made the real lasting impact, like: 1) Teaching me how to be an incredible self-advocate…and how to be a strong advocate for others, until they can be strong for themselves; 2) Making me understand the importance of having a support community that has your back on this journey, regardless of where you are on it…just because healing isn’t linear and can be so messy; And 3) helping me see that strength comes in numbers…meaning survivors can make more things happen in their lives just by coming together, sharing experiences and sharing resources…than they can possibly accomplish on their own. Instead of learning just from your own mistakes, you’re learning from each other’s.

BFL: Did anything surprise you about the experience?

Mels: What Freedom House surprised me with were ways it’s committed to sparking your personal growth.

The social work team fights for you, and you can only become a fighter when you’re surrounded by fighters who believe in you. Also the shelter provided a supportive communal healing environment, but at the same time offered the privacy of your own apartment when you just wanted to be by yourself.

You’re just treated like a human who’s been through a lot…who is deserving of something better. I didn’t really know there was a difference between a domestic violence shelter and a homeless one. I think that’s something that resources like Family Justice Center should emphasize. And that…is keeping survivors from accessing them.

BFL: What has happened since you left?  How is your life going & what’s next?

Mels: The biggest thing is that I have an apartment, and my name and only my name is on the lease.

It’s the hugest thing when you first leave a defeating and abusive situation, to be able to say you were able to make that happen for yourself when a your life could’ve easy been over.

TheHalpernProject, my Instagram blog has become something that I thought would just be cathartic past time & healing vice when I first launched it while still at Freedom House in 2018…to the driver of everything I do, which basically boils down to self, survivor & community empowerment.

It’s basically my virtual home. I’m vulnerable there. And I keep getting stronger there. And it motivates me to give back and get inspired in places you would never think to.

Some of the more interesting programs/organizations I’ve gotten involved in since leaving Freedom House include: BronxWork’s Poverty Simulation, Fountain House, Voices Of Women (part of The Brooklyn Battered Women’s Project) and Montefiore’s Bronx Health Collective Advisory Council (a board of practitioners & patient advocates who brainstorm healthcare reform for a homeless/economical challenged community).

Also one day during pandemic, contemporary artist Caterina Borghi, surprised me with an entire exhibition she created about me and me journey (image below)…that has ignited a couple of book projects I have in the works with other artists, who have inspired my healing.

All these exciting projects are just an extension of what Freedom House has taught me…that you can empower communities that already have strength in them, to do so much better. They may not realize they have that power, so you have the responsibility to help them see it’s there.

Mels Halpern (Pronouns: She, Her, Hers) February, 2021 

Learn more about Freedom House and Barrier Free Living on our website, which includes a live Chat feature. 

An article in Disability Insider states that 80% of women with disabilities suffer violence in Spain, 8 out of 10 during the COVID lockdown – a shocking fact. According to the experts, this situation has intensified during the coronavirus confinement.

Read the full article here. 

Barrier Free Living works with survivors of domestic violence with disabilities and is celebrating it’s 40th Anniversary this year. Learn more. 

Secret Garden team member Sara Eldridge will be featured on the Exhale to Inhale mental health panel on Sunday Oct. 18 at noon.

Sara’s participation is part of Barrier Free Living’s Domestic Violence Awareness month outreach efforts through October.

The panel is part of Exhale to Inhale’s Week of Courage which includes Trauma-Informed Yoga Classes, a DJ Dance Party, a Meditation and a Sound Bath. Each event will provide a unique opportunity for supporters to learn about courage from a different perspective.

Lucrecia Ayala, MSW is a bilingual Social Worker (Spanish and English) and the Sexual Assault Services Coordinator at Secret Garden. She graduated from Stony Brook University, School of Social Welfare as a Master of Social Work with a concentration in Integrated Health, including a certification in Trauma Informed Care & Crisis Response. She has 10 years’ experience working with teens and adults in community and clinical settings, specializing in crisis services, housing, and sexual & public health. She provides individual sexual violence counseling as well as group education.

Trigger Warning: This article contains material about sexual and dating violence as well as suicide.

Daisy Coleman, was an activist, a survivor, tattoo artist, and co-founder of SafeBAE (Before Anyone Else), a youth organization with the goal of sexual assault prevention among adolescents and teenagers.

After coming forward with her sexual assault story at the hands of Matthew Barnett in 2012, Daisy survived the pressure and scrutiny of a public trial and bullying both at school and social media. She spent almost a decade dealing with the emotional, physical, and psychological effects, as well as multiple hospitalizations and suicide attempts. On August 4, 2020, at the age of 23, Daisy Coleman died of suicide.

Like many survivors, I imagine Daisy tried hard to keep herself going despite her experience and if I could speak to her now, I’d tell her that her work and life has value to many survivors like her.

As the Sexual Assault Services Coordinator at Barrier Free Living Secret Garden, it matters to me that survivors feel heard and safe. It is especially important to provide support for people with disabilities or those who are Deaf/hard of hearing, who endure the highest rates of abuse in the U.S. and face unique barriers to care and safety (National Domestic Violence Hotline).

Survivors who are deaf or hard of hearing often do not attempt to seek out assistance because even if an agency serves sexual assault victims, they lack the system and resources to communicate with them effectively.

Barrier Free Living has recognized this gap in services and has been working with Deaf populations, as well as those with disabilities (read about our Deaf Services Team).

At Secret Garden, I provide individual and group counseling services, as well as education and resources for sexual violence and sexual health regardless of language, disability, ethnicity, race, gender, or sexual orientation. I believe that all survivors of sexual assault like Daisy, deserve care that feels tailored to their own experiences and that they feel safe talking about both the successes and hardships in their journey to recovery.

Daisy Coleman’s death serves as a sad reminder that surviving an assault does not mean that the pain ends, that a person who survives sexual violence must also survive the crushing weight of trauma that the experience inevitably brings. Though I did not know Daisy Coleman, I know that her death was not inevitable and how we respond to disclosure is vital to the healing process. Our response to sexual assault can often be as, if not more, traumatic than the experience itself and there are various roadblocks to getting appropriate care, especially for special populations. At Secret Garden, our mission is to remove these roadblocks by providing not only service, but fully accessible service, support and outreach to survivors of sexual assault.

Healing from trauma is assumed to be a staircase in which each day is a step towards the one day that you are “cured” and all is forgotten. A day which many imply will come to all those who survive and continue to climb. However, I believe the process of healing is a vast sea of unknowns. Some days it is frigid current, and heavy waves continually drag you down, no matter how hard you try to stay above water. On very special days, it provides clarity, a sense of purpose, and a bright, new horizon in sight. Navigating the trauma of sexual assault is not an easy feat and there does not need to be more death, so long as we value the health and welfare of survivors. In the words of Daisy Coleman, “Just start by believing.”

For more information, please call the Barrier Free Living Hotline at (212) 533-4358.

Lucrecia (Lucy) Ayala joined Barrier Free Living (BFL) this summer as the Sexual Assault Services Coordinator at our Secret Garden program, a brand new position at the agency. We touched base with Lucy to find out what drew her to the work, and what she hopes to achieve. 

BFL: What drew you to apply for this new position at BFL?

Lucy: I recently graduated from my Master’s of Social Work program in May at Stony Brook University and I spent the last year of my internship working at Elmhurst Hospital in the Emergency Department, covering the Adult and Pediatric wings, performing intakes for patients reporting domestic violence and sexual assault. The work was very empowering and meaningful, both personally and professionally and I wanted to pursue work in emergency services and intimate partner violence. A professor from my first year of school referred me to the program and the position. There are many organizations out there working with survivors of domestic violence, but not with the attention to intersectionality in the way Barrier Free Living does and that’s what ultimately drew me to this role.

BFL: It is a new position on our team. Can you tell us a little bit about the goals of the position and the role you hope to play on our team?

Lucy: People often view the issues of domestic violence and sexual assault as two separate entities, but the unfortunate reality is that they are overlapping public health crises. Those who are physically abusive can also be sexually violent, but there is a lot of stigma and even skepticism around sexual abuse, especially in the home. The risks of experiencing sexual and physical violence are high for individuals with disabilities or who are Deaf or hard of hearing and there are significant challenges to getting assistance. The goal of the position is to help bridge the gaps between all these intersections and provide safe, comprehensive services to sexual assault survivors with disabilities and those who are Deaf in an accessible and culturally sensitive environment. My role is to work with Secret Garden and Barrier Free Living in developing support resources, counseling services, and agency best practices to ensure that individuals who come to Barrier Free Living seeking assistance and advocacy are not met with obstacles but solutions.

BFL: What do you see as possible challenges in this new role?

Lucy: With all new endeavors, it can be hard to find your footing and lessons might be learned along the way. I would be setting a precedent for this position, a task that is both daunting and exciting. The biggest challenge will be balancing the goals of the position while also accommodating public health standards and rules as a result of COVID-19. Collaboration and teamwork is vital when it comes to the issue of sexual assault, especially when thinking about advocacy and policy, which is difficult during a time where we need to be social distancing. However, the important thing I like to remember is that the distancing is only physical, despite what the name suggests.

BFL: Are you a native New Yorker? What do you do in your free time. Any hobbies or ways to de-stress?

Lucy: My family came from Guatemala and moved initially to Chicago, but I was raised from infancy in the Queens/Long Island area. I love traveling and going to the movies, though that’s on pause for time being. I love watching TV, reading, birdwatching and spending time with my dog and partner. I also love painting and I am a bit of a gamer.

Lucrecia Ayala, MSW (Pronouns: She/Her)
Sexual Assault Services Coordinator Secret Garden
Voice Hotline: (212) 533-4358 (Mon.- Fri. 9am-5pm)Voice Hotline: (212) 533-4358 (Mon.- Fri. 9am-5pm)
Deaf Services: (646) 807-4013 (Mon.- Fri. 9am-5pm)
Fax: 212-673-5167
Email: LucreciaA@bflnyc.org